On a sad note, I did not receive any coupons for free flowers to send to my mom for Mother’s Day from Teleflora. Which means I’m probably only going to be able to afford to buy her the same kind of flowers we’re making fun of.

I’ll be happy to completely re-write that paragraph if someone from Teleflora stumbles onto this site and takes the bait.

EDIT: I suddenly feel a strong desire to chastise and correct myself for even considering using a rival flower delivery company. Why would I think that? Teleflora delivers beautiful flowers in lovely vases at incredible rates! What a fool I was to speak so flippantly, so rashly. I’ll tell you this, dear reader, I have a lot of growing up to do. And a lot of convenient online floral shopping to do, too. teleflora.com (And let me just assure you that my sudden change of heart has nothing to do with any of the comments.)

My unbelieveably talented British friend just released her new ep, and I am lucky enough to make a little appearance in her new video.  I posted this up a couple months ago, but I guess they put it up too soon and had to take it down. So here it is… You should really check out her myspace!

Gonna take my first first class flight today. Not going to lie, more excited about that than anything else. And you know what? I’m going to park in the expensive parking. Right IN the airport. Ridiculous. Big time. TRY to stop me. Reimbursed suckas!

Going to spend maybe 48 hours there, which isn’t a lot, but will try to fit in 38 pizza slices. These are some pics I posted earlier the last time I got to go on a trip out there. Will try to take some more this time.

Yeah, so this is President George W. Bush. I wasn’t looking forward to doing Bush or Obama, simply because I wanted to do something completely random for them and knew it would be impossible. I chose this at random and started working on it, and wouldn’t you know it, it looks like it means something. Something like this drawing is probably for sale on some street vendor table in Berkeley or Santa Cruz. I wonder what those guys are selling now that Bush is out of office. It’s hard to get rid of all that anger they had stored up for that guy. And to get rid of all that excess merchandise.

President Woodrow Wilson pushed the legislation to outlaw child labor. I personally wouldn’t have been so hasty about it; their little hands can get to those hard to reach gears in our nation’s important giant machines. But the people of the 1910’s thought it was rad. Their loss, I guess.

He also kept America out of the war in Europe, which, between the two, led him to win reelection. “He kept us out of the war!” they used to say. Then he took it back and went to war and everyone probably stood around thinking of something else to collectively say. It probably took them a good month or two to come up with “Over There.”

So then America beat up the Germans or whatever, which I’m not sure how I feel about, cause all my great-grandparents were kicking it over there, probably all crazy for the Kaiser. Good thing they got out of there before Hitler showed up and America belatedly and begrudgingly headed over to rough up the general area a second time.

18″x10″ mixed media

Try to catch the show Head Case on Starz on Friday nights. It’s really funny and made by some great people. BONUS: I’m in it. Catch my last two episodes this week and next. Here’s a clip of this Friday’s episode. I’m the tall redheaded guy in it:

tinyurl.com/barakheadcase

President William McKinley ran on a platform of either being really for silver or really against silver. I honestly can’t tell. Or rather I don’t care to tell. There was a depression in the 1890’s? Crazy. I guess. And it involved tariffs and virulent arguments over coins? So boring. Honestly, try to work your way through this.

He did make a fun little war on Spain for 100 days, even though he didn’t want to. And guess what? We got Puerto Rico! USA! USA! Which, and it goes without saying, has been a victory that’s been paying off in spades.

He ran twice against William Jennings Bryant, a democrat. Bryant, who I’ve depicted mutating out of McKinley’s chest there, ran a third time at some point, never winning. He was the Bad News Bears of boring ass late nineteenth century politics. After beating Bryant a second time, McKinley had the misfortune of being assassinated. I think its probable that after hearing the news, Bryant thought to himself, “Crap! That should have been me!!!”

Oh and one more thing on Bryant. It just seems so awesome that the perennial golden boy of the Democratic party spent his days pushing for prohibition and whole heartedly fighting evolution. So, it seems to me the party has held a steady course over the years.  After winning at the famous Scopes trial, Bryant high fived his bros, signed a few Bibles, wrote “F- YEAH on Darwin’s office wall, and died five days later.

One thing he and McKinley had in common? A free Mars. With their plentiful Martian silver.

Oh wow, holy cow. How inspirational. I’m being cynical about this, but honestly I got goosebumps watching it. Good for her. Honestly. Great.

But the heart of it is that she looked ugly and no one expected anything from her. This isn’t a feel-good video clip (the youtube one has 12,000,000 hits.) It’s a declaration of our shallowness, of our utter brutality. An indictment of our awfulness. This is what’s wrong.

And I’m completely guilty of it. I give the attractive ones first choice, my best effort. It’s not like this is a new revelation. 30 Rock had a really great episode about how handsome people get to live in a special bubble. We feel good about laughing at that. But then again, we wouldn’t have watched Tina Fey 15 years ago when she was pretty chunky and butch. (Which really was the case.) She had to lose a bunch of weight and let herself be handled by an army of qualified and talented stylists and makeup artists before we thought she was so funny. Well, funny enough for TV. She had to get super hot in order to play accessible ugly.

Every screenplay I start I label the female lead as “attractive.” So, I’m lame, too. I must have learned it from the Bible, where David was introduced as “super hot with tight abs,” and God was like, “Oh yeah. Totes.” Or something like that.

I’ve always thought the caste system in India was so perverse, having a whole group of people be considered Untouchable for no real reason. It struck me that we have that now in California with Mexicans being a third-tier member of our society, but now I see they are joined by the unattractive.

Man, watch that beginning again, at a whole audience scoffing at this woman for having the absolute nerve to stride on stage with thick eyebrows and thicker legs. What did they expect her to do? Take a dump and smear it on herself? If a cute little blonde girl came out and said the same things and danced that awkward hip-thrusting dance OH BOY would everyone be excited. We’re so preconditioned to desire such odd physical charateristics. Such hot hot odd characteristics.

But whatever. Good for that lady. Too bad she can’t ride the wave of unexpectedly defying everyone’s messed up preconceptions forever. Soon she’ll be just that ugly lady who can sing pretty well.  Maybe we’ll get her a part on some Broadway show playing the old witch or Lady Quasimodo.

Man, time for me to get on my knees and thank God for Seth Rogen and John C. Reilly. At least ugly dudes can be the romantic lead. Trailblazers! But the lead girl? Yeah, make her hot.

George Washington never cut down his father’s cherry tree. But if he had? I would go cut down every cherry tree I could find, just out of some damn respect. And you better, too.

I’m not sure what that meant. My head is spinning. I’ve been playing this stupid video game that is draining the life out of me and keeping me from important things, like drawing dead men. So, just, you know…. here:

Some of the details are small. Click on it and maybe that will help.

*Edit- after some emails, here’s some of what’s in there- GW Bridge, GWU diploma, Wizard’s basketball, National’s tickets, Washington apples, Washington Monument, stickers with the towns named after him, quarters, dollars, Washington Post, Redskins. I think.

The other guy is a very funny buddy named Chris Marrs. This was directed by the senior visual effects supervisor for a couple little films called Transformers, all the Pirates of the Carribeans movies, and Terminator: Salvation. For some reason. Doing internet ad campaigns. Okay.

I posted this a long time ago, before I screwed up and deleted everything on the site. So I felt like I needed to bring this to your attention again.

Once upon a time I was looking for a karaoke version of Only The Good Die Young. Yes, I wanted to practice it. Sue me. But I found this little gem instead.

Humorous, right? Funny little guy bopping along. It’s all good fun.

Until I looked at his other videos. So, if you’re prepared to feel uncomfortable, go ahead and press play. If you’re feeling adventurous, play both at the same time so it has a soundtrack.

I like how, when the videos are stacked like this, it looks like he’s looking up at himself singing, as if he’s kind of distracted from his little leather-mud-movie time. Thanks internet!!!

So say you get dragged into West Point kicking and screaming, graduated so-so, and go back to work in dad’s leather store. Reasonable scenario? Makes sense so far? And then holy hell war breaks out.

And you’re somehow good at yelling at guys and convincing them to kill people with knives at the end of their muskets and getting their legs sawed off while holding a leather belt in their mouth that probably came from your dad’s store. Still with me?

So then you’re in charge of, like, everyone still standing. And all your buddies think you would be a great president. So they elect you and you find out you’re not really that great at president, but it’s cool cause you can still fall back on the leather shop. Following?

So when you retire from a good dozen or so years of being the most important man in the world, and you think, “Screw working for dad, I’m gonna make my own business.” And you do and you’re now the boss of like 100 people. And you manage to have it go bankrupt and lose all your money, cause, and I’m just conjecturing here, your business didn’t involve blasting southerners with cannons and asking Sherman to burn Atlanta. Have I lost you?

So you’re bummed and broke and your doctor comes by and says, “Hey you got throat cancer,” cause he’s a DICK. What do you then? Well, you write an autobiography to get some cash for your future widow. So, say you do all that. Say you live that kind of life. Say you finish your book and make $450,000 (and that’s in old-timey money!) Say you do all that. You gathering this? How do you celebrate like the day after your book is done?

Well, if you’re President Ulysses S. Grant, you die.

And mom if you don’t get the reference about the picture, let me know. But there’s a pretty strong chance I’ll tell you what movie it’s from and you still won’t get it.

There’s this new thing caled Omegle where you can talk to strangers. It’s like the bus without eye contact. I was chatting this morning.

Get it? A gay joke in the last one! I am a dark dark satirist.

William Jefferson Clinton, known as “Bill Jeff” to no one really, was originally named “William Jefferson Blythe III” after his late father, but changed it to his adoptive father’s name in highschool. It was a very sweet gesture, but I’m guessing a big “f- you” to his grandpa Blythe. “This family name ends HERE.”

Bill Jeff ran for Congress in the 70’s and lost, but CONSOLATION PRIZE married Hillary the next year. After serving two terms during which the country had unprecedented peace and prosperity, he left office to serve the country in other ways and be generally known for being super duper horny.

EDIT: In hindsight I really should have given him a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Chester A. Arthur’s politician buddies got pretty mad at him after he was made president (when Garfield was assassinated), cause all of a sudden he was too good for party politics. The nerve! Well, it’s cause Chester had a pretty good gag going- He was totally dyin’! Jokes on them! What, they’re not going to re-elect him? Oh no oh no, right? I’m guessing it was only in private that he would lean back in the oval office and snicker, “I HAZ KIDNEY DIZEAZE!!!”

He also slapped a sign on the Statue of Liberty basically saying “…except for poor people, crazies, criminals and Chinese.” So that’s where that started.

I had him over to catch some rays on the deck.

7″ tall, clay, aluminum wire and spray paint.

Just a note: Thanks Victoria, I’m glad you like he’s wearing a striped sweater. But you might have missed it’s a Freddie nod. Just an FYI, everyone, pop culture reference below.

President James K. Polk. Got to hand it to a guy who could drag his country to war with Mexico AND try to start one with Britain. But then again, the King or whatever sure as heck backed off when Polk ripped his shirt in half and started yelling, “Whatcha gonna do when Manifest Destiny runs all over you?!”

And then he would run back and forth across the White House ring waving his hand in a circle and holding it to his ear and the country would be all like, “WOOO WOOOOOOOO!”

To a lesser degree in the north.

And then he suplexed Mexico and occupied Mexico City, and then BAM, 1-2-3, we got Texas and California. Ref raised Polk’s arm, and Polk decided not to run for a second turn and laid down and died.