So my thought was that Andrew Jackson was already pretty zany and cartoonish, so I thought I’d take a serious slant on him. We’re talking about a guy who, as president, had an assassin come up with two guns and pull the triggers point blank. Of course, as per the whackiness of A.J., they both misfired. The presidents reaction, who was crippled enough to walk with a cane? Why, to start beating the hell of the guy with his cane.

Oh, and he fought and, I’m just guessing here, WON 13 duels. The only time he actually killed in a duel? He let the other guy shoot first. And the other guy hit him. In his Jackson’s chest. Riiiiight next to the heart. And then Jackson calmly fired as the other man loaded his gun. Seriously, dude was a cartoon. A violent, violent, Injun killing cartoon.

Rutherford B. Hayes. I DARE you to find something interesting about him to write. DARE.

So, I made him a doll you can make. If somebody reading this is handy with Illustrator, I want to convert my .psd file to a .pdf for people to download. Anyone? Anyone? Email me at barakportfolio @ gmail.com…

Anyways, here’s the design and some shots of the finished product. If you want to make one, hang tight and hopefully I’ll have something for you soon!

Click to enlarge.

Photoshop just crashed on me and I lost ol’ Rutherford. Sorry Josh.

BUT, here is a video I made with my sister’s kids last Christmas!

After punching polio in the face, Franklin D. Roosevelt once probably thought, “Hey, that was fun. You know what? My fifth cousin was a pretty kickass president. I bet I can beat that even without properly working legs.” And he became president for as long as he wanted until he felt like dying. Check MATE, Teddy.

Click to enlarge. Is what she said.

Well ol’ Grove Cleve had a couple things going for him. One, he was the only guy to get voted out of office after one term, and then be like, “Hey America, be cool,” and then they voted him back four years later. He also was the only President to be married in office, to a girl way less than half his age. I believe he had a sign saying “Mustache Rides 5 Cents Just Kidding I’m The Damn President of America You Better Want Some of This.”

Also, and this is the important part, I believe he was the inventor of the “JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS” mat.  Compare!!! Here and here!

Theodore “Huxtable” Roosevelt lost both his mother and his first wife on the same day. So he became a cowboy. And a big game hunter. Then a war hero. Governor, President, canal builder, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and conservationist. While running for President AGAIN, a few years later, he was shot in the chest by a nutjob.

Ted responded by SHAKING IT OFF AND TAKEN ER EASY.

Why in the HELL is there not a Mel Gibson movie about him?
Double popped collar time!

8″ x 24″ acrylic on canvas

If the death of James A. Garfield means anything, it once again reaffirms: Do not mess with lawyers. They will shoot you in a D.C. train station. It’s like a rule of thumb.

We all know the stories of Dwight D. Eisenhower’s famed wrestling matches with Churchill, which would often last through the week. What you might now know, however, is that those matches were the inspiration for Moses’ description of Joshua wrestling the Angel of the Lord in Genesis.

Man, I need to draw Churchill someday. Oh, the chins!!

William H. Taft wanted to be on the Supreme Court, but that little wife had big plans for him. Not weight loss, but the presidency. Which he didn’t like. Then he got on the Supreme Court, which he liked much much better.

Oh, and the GUY INVENTED THE RUBIK’S CUBE! That’s not true.

I think this looks much better in person.

James was telling me a story of how Lyndon Johnson used to yell at his staff when he was taking a dump, I guess as a psychological thing. So fun. It clearly makes up for his escalation of the Vietnam War!!! LOLZ!!!

Jimmy Carter was widely mocked for admitting in an adult magazine article that he had “lust in his heart.” I admire him for being bold enough to state one of the things that plagues all of mankind. What I don’t like, though, is his other lust, unquenchable and ungodly. The thirst for blood.

John Quincy Adams, known for being pretty kick-ass one-term presi-dent, was also a spider. According to my research.

After not being President anymore, Millard Fillmore went on to join, and I’m not kidding, the Know Nothing Party. Outstanding.

Also, as seen here, he’s probably the great grandpa of Alec Baldwin.

Well, Franklin Pierce managed to stave off the oncoming civil war a few years, so he had that going for him. But what I think he had going for him more was that hair.

John Tyler, our 100th president, was known for his strict love of both states’ rights as well as beatboxing. Two things the Whigs STILL hate.

Yeah. There I said it. Challenge accepted.

But, you know, I’m not gonna rush into it.

But here’s the first.

Yeah, that’s right, I hosted the Best Supper Ever. Check them out here at thebseclub.com. It was fun. I packed up Lauren and headed downtown, to a place I had only heard of. Was not impressed. My code name is “Boobar,” FYI.
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Yeah, sitting in a coffee house with Adam writing our masterpiece we saw these old guys shuffling through and sitting next to us. At first I thought they looked like the most interesting gentlemen I have ever seen. Like, I wanted to hear the stories from their 90 years on earth. But Adam overheard one just completely being a dick to the other, and the other guy was just so fine with it. Bizarre.

Anyways, it looked like this:

Here I am with the lovely Katie Daryl on her show Deadline. Which, by the way, is made by the equally lovely Lindsay Hofmann. Who, by the way, is my hero.

We improvised this whole campaign, and I remember feeling really bad in the middle of making this piece, cause it wasn’t like I was saying words on a script, it was all my idea to be yelling at a gold medal champion that he was wasting his life playing games. Kind of a jerk move, but then again, he’s a 21 year old millionaire and I’m the opposite of that.

This never made the campaign. But now I’ve found it! AHA!

1. Phil Collins.