I made one of these a while back, when I found a bunch of old pictures. I decided to make part two, and bring us up to the present day. I wish I had more photos, though. I can’t find any from my short-bleached-hair period (which predated Eminem, thankyou.) I’m pretty sure, too, at some point I was a large black man.

Some big moments from my adult life, apparently: 1) Finally trimming that mullet. 2) Realizing I could grow hair on my chin. 3) Deciding contacts were not worth the effort. 4) Realizing I could grow hair on the sides of my face. 5) Realizing that it was MUSTACHE TIME!

Something most have happened to me around age 9, when I got that killer Miami Vice outfit. I entered this really awkward stage that lasted for some time. I’m actually pretty excited that it might be ending any day now.

Click to enlarge…

This happened in the first inning.

Of a kickball game.

…at an audition for the role of “DJ Fat Man.” So there I was surrounded by a room of generally out of breath and sweaty guys with just spectacular bellies. And these two fellows. Beware the moment when the Jimmy Buffet-type guy in the backwards Kanga hat starts talking at the Oakley-wearing-inside tucked in polo shirt-guy. SPARKS.

Another observed moment HERE.

I forgot I made this a while back. You are WELCOME.

From an email exchange:
Me: “So when are we going to have the kind of relationship like Vincent Chase has with Eric?”
Manager: “A relationship where one guy is pretty but lacks talent and the other guy is a douchey hanger-on? um, I think it’s already there”

Awesome.

Also, mom, this references a tv show you don’t watch.

when sounding like A, like neighbor and weigh.
And generally many many other instances, such as “weird.”
And atheist. And seize.
Leisure. Either. Sheik.
Deity. Codeine.
Einstein.
Counterfeit.
Theism.
Foreign. Receipt.
Perceive.
Height.
Caffeine.
Seizures.
Leisure. Kaleidoscope.
Protein.
Forfeit.
Rottweiler.
Seismograph.
Inconceivable.
Screw it.

I posted this a long time ago, before I screwed up and deleted everything on the site. So I felt like I needed to bring this to your attention again.

Once upon a time I was looking for a karaoke version of Only The Good Die Young. Yes, I wanted to practice it. Sue me. But I found this little gem instead.

Humorous, right? Funny little guy bopping along. It’s all good fun.

Until I looked at his other videos. So, if you’re prepared to feel uncomfortable, go ahead and press play. If you’re feeling adventurous, play both at the same time so it has a soundtrack.

I like how, when the videos are stacked like this, it looks like he’s looking up at himself singing, as if he’s kind of distracted from his little leather-mud-movie time. Thanks internet!!!

There’s this new thing caled Omegle where you can talk to strangers. It’s like the bus without eye contact. I was chatting this morning.

Get it? A gay joke in the last one! I am a dark dark satirist.

Yeah, sitting in a coffee house with Adam writing our masterpiece we saw these old guys shuffling through and sitting next to us. At first I thought they looked like the most interesting gentlemen I have ever seen. Like, I wanted to hear the stories from their 90 years on earth. But Adam overheard one just completely being a dick to the other, and the other guy was just so fine with it. Bizarre.

Anyways, it looked like this:

1. Phil Collins.

I can’t go into too many details regarding my recent silence on 50yearplan, but I am allowed to show you this photo.  These are my new friends. This is my new life.

So, if you’ve heard the Christian Bale freak out, you might have a low opinion of him. But don’t! It could happen to anyone.

I know how rough it is for the working actor. Christian Bale is not the only one who feels the need to defend his boundaries on set. Distractions must be kept to a minimum and respect must be given to the talent. I, too, once had a tirade on set:

I’m starting a new series today. Guys I Currently Got Beat*. Not that I have always or will always have them beat, but for this moment I am doing prrrrrrretty good in comparison. Today is Joaquin Phoenix.

This isn’t based on his recent drug use, or his turn as a rapper. It’s not about his inner demons. It’s more about the beard. I mean, it makes mine look stately. Which it is. I bet his smells real bad, too. Mine is shampooed every morning. Once in a while I throw in some conditioner. Our beards could not be further apart. And I bet I would rap slightly better.

I will say, though, that he is probably a better drug user than me. I mean, he’s non stop. One overnight meth binge for me and I am done.

*(My great fear for this feature is that someday soon one of these chaps will die, and then I will feel bad. Like the time I made some myspace update about hoping Katrina would destroy New Orleans. And then it did like a day later. My bad. So let’s just assume before that happens that this serves as a solid ‘pat on the back’ for these troubled folk. An encouragement. A rally cry. It’s not that you’re doing so bad. I’m just doing so good.)

EDIT: So I guess he might be faking it. Whatever.

Sexy captain.

I want to buy a boat now and sail these seas, and just be bronze and grandiose. Like my sexy forefathers before me.

Honestly, I have no idea why people like this one so much.

I think I cover just about everything.

This is how my year went.

Here’s 2007. Lots more crazy upheaval in that year. Glad to be done with all of that.

Less lines, but more complicated.